


Pirates and Pandemonium

by Mitchievousness



Category: Stellar Firma (Podcast), The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: (it's Jonny! and the gun walls!), Alternate Universe, Canon-Typical Trexnanigans (Trexel Shenanigans), Canon-Typical Violence, Canon-typical alcohol abuse, Gen, Implied/Referenced Gun Violence, No Beta We Die Like The Mechs, Trexel-Typical Spirals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:15:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24370402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mitchievousness/pseuds/Mitchievousness
Summary: He sees The Cosmic Lounge, his most favorite place in the entirety of Stellar Firma, ruined. Tables and chairs were toppled over and were multiple bullet holes in the walls and floor. Worst of all, Trexel thinks as he clenches his fists, glasses and bottles of alcohol were spilled and shattered everywhere. Whodaredwaste all these perfectly good drinks!?
Comments: 16
Kudos: 98





	Pirates and Pandemonium

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea for a while but then DTTM dropped and i just adjkflhk
> 
> This is kinda cracky and has no plot whatsoever and I'm not sorry.

Trexel was crawling through the vents again when he heard the blaring alarm of the gun walls. Even in the enclosed space the walls flashed red and then followed by the sound of a variety of firearms being blasted through.

Curiously, Trexel followed the sound. It lasted for about a minute, which was surprisingly long. He didn’t know what time it was but he was pretty sure that it was too early for I.M.O.G.E.N. to be threatening the citizen employees. Also, he wasn’t there! Who dared anger I.M.O.G.E.N. enough for her to bring out the gun walls?! That was _his_ specialty!

With the grace of a space squid that has forty-five uncoordinated limbs, he followed the smell of gunpowder and found himself in vents above the Cosmic Lounge.

What? THE COSMIC LOUNGE?! Why was he above the _Cosmic Lounge?_

Oh, of course! He was here to drink, obviously! It was time to drown himself with alcohol and forget all the damned responsibilities he was given and the crushing disappointment from his parents and from Hartro and from everyone around him when he inevitably fucks up and then people will laugh at him and his horrible ineptitude and his own worthlessness to the Board and the—

_Get it together Geistman!_

Trexel sucks in a deep breath. The vents aren’t a good place to have a depressive spiral in! What was he doing again? Oh yeah, alcohol!

Pushing away the hood, Trexel peeks his head out to see if any of the Security Employees who might try to kick him out are around. 

Instead, he sees The Cosmic Lounge, his most favorite place in the entirety of Stellar Firma, ruined. Tables and chairs were toppled over and bodies of all kinds of beings slumped over in pools of liquid (probably sleeping?) and there were multiple bullet holes in the walls and floor. And worst of all, Trexel thinks as he clenches his fists, glasses and bottles of alcohol were spilled and shattered everywhere. Who _dared_ waste all these perfectly good drinks!?

The suspect stood there in the middle of the room, facing away and a gun in both hands. One was lowered down by their hip while the other gun was shooting at an unidentifiable mass of goop which was probably a former citizen employee. They were cackling maniacally and saying something about how good of a story this will be.

Who does this person think they are? Infringing on _Trexel’s territory_ , causing chaos and destruction in _his Cosmic Lounge_ , and wasting _all his precious alcohol?!_

Consumed by a righteous rage, Trexel moves to confront the stranger but ends up falling from the vent instead and lands face first on the ground. Even with the lowered levels of gravity on the station, he still managed to break his (already crooked) nose.

The stranger stops cackling the instant he hears Trexel’s fall. He turns and swiftly aims a gun at Trexel’s head. 

“Who are you?” The person asks, and Trexel finally notices how weird this person really was. 

Instead of wearing the mandated Stellar Firma uniform onesie or the Board Approved-and-Licensed clothes, the person’s outfit is vaguely similar to the ancient pieces of clothing humans used to wear before the earth was destroyed some millenniums ago. Around his cold eyes were black markings that Trexel wasn’t familiar with and they stared daggers at him.

Trexel begins to sweat. But then processes what the man just said. 

“Who am I?” Trexel scrambles to his feet and faces the other person, “Who am _I?_ WHO _am_ I??”

“Yes,” the man asks again, annoyed, “who are _you?”_

“ _I_ am TREXEL K.G.K. GEISTMAN, the greatest Planetary Design Consultant in all of Stellar Firma that has ever lived!” Trexel huffs his chest proudly.

“Wait, Geistman?” The man asks.

His fame must precede him then. Of course, it’s only expected that everyone knows how great he is. “Yes! The T. Geistman in the flesh!”

“You mean the one who made those horrifying death traps that can barely be called planets?” 

Ah. 

“Well, now hold on—“

“The one who designed those hellish hellscapes full of brimstone and fire?”

“Yes well that one really wasn’t even that bad honestly -- ”

“The one who killed all of the beings on a Lava planet and created millions of orphans?”

“Hey now, wait a minute! I didn’t—“

“Those planets were amazing!” He exclaims as he lowers the gun, “Honestly thought they were one of the bests in this part of the galaxy.”

What? “Y-you do?” Trexel asks tentatively.

“Of course! Me and my crew had so much fun in your planets! Even stayed in a couple of the solar systems to make and tell a few stories of our own.”

“Really?! I mean, yes, of course! All my planets are the greatest! Because they were designed by me, Trexel Geistman!”

The man slings a heavy arm around Trexel and grins brightly at him, “I like you, Geistman. Let’s go grab a drink.” 

Suitably distracted by the appeal of alcohol and someone seeing the Greatness that he really is, Trexel immediately follows him to the bar.

It’s a mess of glass and metal but the man just swipes it off with his bare arm with some pieces sticking to his bare skin but it doesn’t seem to bother him too much, just mildly annoyed. Trexel is impressed.

Among the shattered remains, Trexel sees a bottle of whiskey and leans to get it. They take turns in taking swigs directly from the bottle as the stranger regales Trexel with a story of how he and his crew managed to murder a rival space band, sparing their lead singer only to frame it on them and then how later, they got to see the planet Trexel made for the singer ruin their life. 

It was strangely enthralling and Trexel felt compelled to stay silent and listen to the story, which was very contrary to his nature. When the man finished, Trexel realized he forgot to ask one crucial detail. 

“Hold on,” Trexel says between gulps of alcohol, “who _are you_ anyways?”

The man blinks.

“Ah, my apologies,” he stands and gives a theatrical bow, “My name is Jonny d’Ville, humble captain of the starship Aurora.” 

“First Mate!” I.M.O.G.E.N. beeps.

Jonny scowls up at the ceiling and sits back down on his seat. “How do you even know that?”

“I.M.O.G.E.N. knows everything and everyone on the station. Whatever secrets you’re hiding, she probably knows it too.” Trexel says.

“Also, the Aurora told me!” I.M.O.G.E.N. beeps happily.

“You talked to the Aurora?” Jonny asks in surprise, “Well shit, Nastya and Raph are probably having a field day. What else have you ladies been talking about?”

“That is none of your business.” I.M.O.G.E.N. beeps warningly.

Jonny shrugs and goes back to drinking his whiskey.

“So, is there anywhere else a guy can have some fun? Maybe play a few rounds and shoot some folks?”

“Well technically, murder is not allowed on Stellar Firma property unless it’s I.M.O.G.E.N. or Board-mandated.” Trexel points out while taking a swig, recalling how he almost lost his Cosmic Lounge visitation rights because of a fish and some uranium core he found. 

“Ugh that’s so boring! There won’t be any good song material if we just sit here!”

“Well, it’s the Board orders so there isn’t any way around it.”

Trexel yells in protest as Jonny steals and finishes the entire bottle. Suitably inebriated, Jonny stays quiet. Then, with as much feelings can, says, “Fuck the Board!”

Immediately the gun walls activate and the room is once again bathed in a red blinking light.

“No! Hail the Board! Jonny you can’t just say that!” Trexel yells in alarm. Laughing nervously, he turns to one of the many cameras that liter the station and says, “He meant hail the board! Hahahaha I.M.O.G.E.N. you can keep your gun walls now. Hail the Board!!”

The guns stay trained at both of them.

“Oh come off it, you stupid A.I. You and a million others have tried to kill me before and I’ll just come crawling back. That’s how immortality works!” Jonny says dismissively and reaches across the bar to get another bottle of whiskey. 

He can hear the barrels being reloaded and Trexel swerves to Jonny in panic and screeches, “Yes well only one of us is immortal and I’m too sexy and important to die!”

Jonny stares at him for a few seconds, making Trexel sweat. The gun walls whirr and loom over their heads, I.M.O.G.E.N. as their omniscient executioner, while the alarm is shrill and contrasting against the deep beating of his heart in his ears.

Then Jonny sighs and says, “fine, fine.” He waves the bottle of whiskey in the air as if trying to placate I.M.O.G.E.N., “Hail the Board, or whatever.”

The gun walls are still aimed at them but the malicious whirring had stopped, making Trexel let out a sigh of relief. Jonny scowls and crosses his arms.

“What else do you want me to say? I already said Hail the Board! I sure as hell won’t be bowing down to any other eldritch gods though. I know what comes after that.”

A few more seconds pass before the gun walls retreat back into their compartments. The red light flashes twice before settling back to its normal glowing blue. 

“Watch it, buster,” I.M.O.G.E.N. beeps ominously.

“Gods, that was a fucking scene. Honestly wouldn’t have mind getting a few more holes in me though, y’know? Keeps the blood flowing.” Jonny laughs at his own joke.

“Riiigghhttt,” Trexel says wearily. 

“Calm down, Geistman. I know how you humans work and I wouldn’t want you to die just yet. My crew wouldn’t have any more play-places otherwise.”

Oh right, this guy actually thinks Trexel is great! Jonny, the first mate of some cosmos-travelling rogue band and apparently immortal, thinks he, TREXEL GEISTMAN, is great. Which is expected of course because Trexel is the most amazing person in the  
universe and everyone else is too blind or ignorant to see the truth of his greatness.

That’ll show them! That’ll show everyone how he isn’t just a stupid idiot! That he is capable of making friends normally and not just immediately ruin everything and every relation he tries to build! That’ll show all of them! His parents, Hartro, David—!

…DAVID!

Looking at his wrist that held no watch but just a bright pink slap bracelet with a drawn smiley face on it, he realizes he’s probably later than he usually was and David’s most likely having a conniption right now.

Trexel staggers to his feet, already at the average level of drunkenness he usually is, and Jonny looks at him questioningly.

“Look Jonny boy, it’s been fun but I gots to go. I’m a very busy man and those planets don’t consult themselves y’know!’

Jonny nods then stand up as well. “I’ll go with you then.”

Trexel blinks.“…You want to come with me to my work?” He asks him slowly.

“I don’t see why not,” Jonny shrugs. “Don’t really have much else to do. The rest of the crew is off somewhere else on the station and murder isn’t as fun when there’s no audience."

Trexel takes a moment to think this over. Five seconds later, “Okay then! Follow me!” he says brightly as he leads Jonny towards his office. He can’t wait for David to meet his new friend!

**Author's Note:**

> when i wrote this, the narrative voice inside my head kept switching between Trexel and Jonny and now it won't stop.
> 
> i have a few more ideas for this au (re: David meeting the alcoholic disaster duo) but im not sure if my writer brain will cooperate...  
> kudos are hugs and comments aid my crusade in filling the Stellar Firma void!
> 
> come yell at me on tumblr @podcastsandpillowforts for podcast stuff or on my main @mitchievousness101 for mechs stuff! :D


End file.
